Roses are Red and Violets Make Me Sneeze

Ron and I recently celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary. This meant a trip to the store to buy an anniversary card. I hate buying my husband cards, but I was raised to give them on special occasions, and until I can deal with the guilt associated with breaking tradition, I will continue to find myself standing in the card aisle at Target feeling awkward. The romantic cards seem written with another couple in mind: “You are my best friend” “Our love makes every day special.” “You are my missing piece” I could go on, but I’m feeling uncomfortable just writing this. Then there are the cards that are supposed to be funny, but miss the mark: A man gives his wife a gift. The bubble above his head reads, “I hope it fits. I had to guess. You’re a size 2, right? Underneath it says, “And they lived happily ever after.” How about the animal cards? I don’t need to elicit the help of a penguin or Golden Retriever to express my love. The poems are just plain awful: I love you today/ as I have from the start/ and I will love you forever/ with all of my heart.

I don’t profess to know a thing about anyone else’s husband, but I can’t help but think that there might be other women who feel the way I do. My husband isn’t the flowery, sensitive type. He also wouldn’t appreciate a card poking fun at either one of us. This is a man who sees an empty wall and thinks hanging cork board to hold his tools makes more sense than a painting. He calls foul on kissing scenes in movies, and would rather see me in Levi’s and a pair of work gloves than a dress. Add to this he’s an engineer. Romantic cards, poems, and cute animals rubbing noses make little sense to him.

Valentine’s Day cards are even worse than anniversary cards and that mushy day is just around the corner! This year I am going to buy Ron a blank Thank You card in which I plan to write my own note. It will go something like this:

Dear Ron,

Thank for all you did around the ranch this year. The orchard and yard look great. Thank you for taking care of the numerous bee swarms that took up residency under the eaves of the house and out in the yard and for taking care of our rattlesnake problem. I appreciate you washing the truck before I go to town and taking the garbage to the dump. Every time I open the freezer, I think of you. We have enough elk and venison to make it through the year for which I am grateful. Thank you for fixing the pellet stove and the electrical problem in the bunkhouse. I didn’t think I would like the hot tub, but I do. It was a great idea! Thank you for taking me on dates when I ask (or sometimes beg) and buying me a Pepsi when you go to the Mercantile. It’s been a busy year and a good year. I’m happy we (along with our crazy crew of animals) are in this together.

Happy Valentine’s Day. I love you,

Beth